PRETTY GIRL BLUES: A (short) True Life Story of a Cancer Survivor

by Jearlean Taylor

Pretty girl blues. Was this a label she put on herself or allowed others to give her? Why did she allow herself to hide behind her pain? She hid behind her pretty looks, clothes, and the truth within. She had outer beauty, but was suffering on the inside with low self-esteem, pity, and unhappiness. Could her beauty cover up her hurt? She so desperately wanted to be accepted. Yes, she had a darling personality and nobody could take that away, but was it enough to mend the hurt and internal pain? Her parents had sacrificed and cared for all her brothers and sisters, but would they anticipate one of their children developing cancer at the age of two?

We are familiar with several types of cancer, but a baby developing this type (Rhabdomyosarcoma) was unheard of. This was such a rare form of cancer that the doctors thought I would not live to celebrate my 3rd birthday. How could this be and why? Most importantly how would doctor’s care for me?

My care began at the University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore, but my family was later advised to seek a second opinion at Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital in New York City. The majority of my childhood and adolescent years would be spent in New York City.

At Sloan Kettering I would have many operations, chemotherapy, and radiation treatments. Because of the cancer, reconstructive surgery was not an option. This procedure resulted in my having to wear a colostomy and ileostomy bag to aid my bladder and bowel function for the rest of my life. Even after that, operations seemed to never stop.

Imagine growing up wearing two bags, being teased and set aside because you can not tell if it is time to change your bags. “Hey what is that smell”, they would say. I had incidents in school and when I didn't know how to handle these situations, it really lowered my self-esteem. I had it bad. My heart's desire was to be like other children. To be teased by my peers was heartbreaking.

Becoming a teenager and maturing into a young adult was difficult. I later involved myself in relationships, but when they got too close I would break it off fearing my suitor would not understand. I had a method of trying to hide 'the secret'. "Someone will understand", I thought. But ultimately it seemed that no one did. I felt like such a fool.

Continuing to hide behind my family, friends, and pretty looks, I developed the craft of covering and dressing up the outside. This disease drove me to hide my pain deep within. Questions would arise.

"How would she cope?"

"How would she handle what life had dealt her?"

"Could she continue to hide the secret?"

So I asked myself, “Why do I feel so blue, and how can I change the way I am feeling?”

Surely, there was an answer. I could not imagine it, but God would change my life. He healed me from cancer. I am His miracle child. He protected and assured me everything was going to be all right. This “secret” would no longer be a secret, but a triumphant story. God not only healed my physical body, but my spirit and mind which both desperately needed to be healed. I am thankful for the spiritual process that took place within me. My insecurities did not change overnight, but I learned how to be a survivor. God instilled in me an inner strength I thought I did not have. The question was not “Why Me”, but “Why Not Me”.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and most of all the angels that watch over me. This journey has taught me so much and I will use this experience to achieve my aspirations in life. Today, at 40 years old, I am blessed with a wonderful husband of 11 years that appreciates, understands, and accepts me for me. I am also a professional model (WOW, sometimes I can't believe it!), and the CEO/Owner/Founder of an inspirational web site and of my own Christian-based modeling agency. Yes, my biggest dream is to walk that big catwalk, but what famous designer will give me that chance? I know my situation is unusual in this industry, but I thank God for opening doors that would otherwise be shut in my face.

To see the outer beauty, you could never tell that I live with these adversities. After all I have gone through, who would have thought becoming a fashion model, inspirational writer, motivational speaker, and business owner was in the plans for me? But it doesn't stop there; there is so much more to come. Trials and tribulations tested my faith, but it made me stronger.

I will continue to have a permanent colostomy bag and the use of a self-catheter for the rest of my life. Still, I am very thankful for this journey. As I look back over my life I would not change anything. My light will continue to shine so others can witness and know they too can overcome obstacles.

I can and will live a full and vibrant life!

Special thanks to my spiritual father, Pastor, & friend: Therm M. James Sr.

Copyright ©2002 by Jearlean Taylor

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About the Author: Jearlean Taylor is the Founder/Owner/CEO of J & Company Christian Modeling InChrist and Thoughts of Inspiration, an inspirational/motivational web site. She is also a professional model, motivational speaker, and inspirational writer.

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