God Empowers the 'No' In Me

By Kamane' Malvo

Wrapped up in my issues with weight and food is an almost unquenchable thirst for acceptance.  As I journey through the process of making healthier choices for my life, I realize that my fat has absolutely nothing to do with food and everything to do with how I see myself.

In my mind’s eye, I see myself as victorious.  If my pastor asks me how I am doing, I exclaim with appropriate spiritual vibrato that I am a “world over-comer.” 

But during my quiet times, when nobody is watching, I have pity parties and I feel like crap.

When I explained my dilemma to my mother, she told me that I have head knowledge but not heart knowledge.  At first I thought that my momma’s menopause was kicking up “crazy” in her brain until I found myself smack dab in the middle of a self-imposed drama. Unfortunately, this drama was a re-run of a pattern of behavior I had set for my life.  This particular pattern is called the “people pleaser.”

When I am in “people pleaser” mode, I agree to perform things I don’t really want to do.  In my quest for acceptance and validation, I say “yes” even when I really want to say “no.”

I am purposefully avoiding phone calls from an ex-client of mine because saying “no” was too much like right. 

 At first I was reluctant to accept her as a client because she is the mother-in-law of a dear friend.  In my experience, mixing business and friendship usually leads to unnecessary drama.

When she began to behave unprofessionally, our arrangement turned foul. 

The agreement was for her to email me prepared work and I was to correct spelling and grammatical errors.  She emailed assignments that were so horribly written, my editing became ghostwriting.  When she began to call me all throughout the day and late into the evening, disrupting my work day and my sleeping pattern, it was over. 

As a believer, I have access to the same power that spoke creation into existence, parted the red sea, and raised Christ from the dead and yet I am afraid to say no.

Are the opinions of others so important to me that I am willing to be held in bondage?

As a woman, I have been socialized to be nice, polite, and accommodating.  And since I happen to be a big black woman, somehow I have subconsciously bought into the stereotypes associated with my sex, size, and ethnicity. 

Well, it is a new day.  My middle name is not “special accommodation.”  I do not have to be a “people pleaser” with a do-rag on my head cooking pancakes for Master.

The moment I accepted Christ into my heart, God gave me the right to say “no.”  Saying “no” doesn’t make me mean, it makes me righteous.  Saying “no” to temptation preserves the sacrifice of the cross.  Saying “no” to sin empowers prosperity.

There is absolutely no excuse for me to forfeit my birthright for a bowl of validation soup. 

During moments of weakness, when I feel the need to people please, I will remember my sister, Eve.  If she said “no” to the temptation of an apple, where would we be today?

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About the Author: Kamane Malvo Marshall is a newlywed with a new found wisdom about love, life, and spirituality.  As a promoter of size acceptance, her boldness and honesty encourages women to be empowered to love themselves just as they are.  Kamane's publications include Small World Newsletter, Double Dare Press, BlackMarket.com, Betty Magazine, The Sacramento Observer, San Francisco Independent, and The Pioneer Newspaper.  She is currently working on a novel.  She maybe contacted at kamanemarshall@live.com .

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